Separation Anxiety

So, it’s been a week and a half since the show closed. And the blues have set in hardcore. My wife leaves for Ireland for 3 weeks on Saturday, and I’m temping while I wait to go up to Boston to start rehearsal for the tour. The world seems dull and without interest, and I’m lonely. I’m thankfully spending as much time as I can with Steph, before she leaves, because when she comes back, I’ll already be gone, and gone until December. Gotta get in that quality time.

Part of the problem is, of course, the day job, which uses exactly .001% of my brain capacity. In exchange for mind-numbing boredom, I am allowed complete freedom. I’m in limbo: no current show, a show coming up that I have no idea about. I can’t audition because I’ve committed to do the tour. I find my self already worrying about when I get back – will I have the skills to go out and book more shows, or will I have to go back to the day job, maybe get something full time? And then what?

And what am I gonna do for the next 2 weeks while Steph is gone, but before I go to Boston? Not to be sappy about it, but she’s sort of the reason I get up in the morning. I’m already a little depressed, but knowing we’ll be apart for the next few months is just killing me. We depend on each other so much, just in a purely practical sense. Put that together with the affection and the company and somebody to talk to who always listens (or at least pretends to), and then imagine it all gone for months – you can imagine my anxiety.

Nothing is without a price, and the downside of success is often a critical part of the upside. Success: a tour. Upside: being paid to do one’s art. Downside: away from home, hearth, and heart for almost half a year.

There’s a debate going on one of the theatre blogs about the up/downsides of the Equity Showcase code. The off-off b’way community has a lot to say about it, obviously since it effects them most. As an actor, it just made me anxious. I want to act, to play, and off-off-b’way gives me the chance to do my thing in a great environment, with great people, doing excellent work. Conversely, or rather, at the same time, I want to get paid for doing what I do. I paid a lot of money to study it, I’ve worked many years at it, I’ve got a gift for it. It pains me to think that I wouldn’t be able to do a show like Nervous Boy as a result of persuing my goals of making a living by acting. On the other hand, the fact that nobody got paid for doing Nervous Boy (sold out shows, great reviews, and excellent word of mouth notwithstanding) seems to be a crime as well. What to do?